This week has been trying. I haven’t been feeling like myself- I have been sad/happy/excited/sad again…and now I don’t know how I am feeling. I don’t think my changing moods have to do with CF. In fact, I usually feel much better following a workout. It’s the rest of my life that is getting in the way of me being happy. If you know me- you know that I’m absolutely man crazy. It’s out of control. I pretty much can find something hot in any man (LOL). I have to admit to you all that I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had a guy ever be into me (that I’m aware of). I don’t even have any guy friends. I know I’m a good person, and it just sucks that people are only judging me from the outside. I’m trying to stay positive- that things will all fall into place when they are supposed to, but it’s hard. I hate waiting around hoping that if I get skinny, some guy will finally see me for what I am. But why should I have to do that? Our society is so shallow. I can’t take it. I’m sick of feeling terrible about myself; sick of crying over nothing. I’m trying to focus all of my energy toward crossfit & paleo, but sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on things that all my friends my age have already experienced. Everyone keeps telling me to just focus on me, and everything else will happen, but what if it doesn’t? What if I end up alone with 5 cats, living in my parents’ house for the rest of my life? At this point, that’s what I feel like is going to happen. I try to start each day positively and I will continue to do so, I just hope at some point things change, & start going my way for once.
While I’m confessing things- I cheated this week on the paleo challenge. It’s the first time since we’ve started. I feel terrible about it- almost like I failed. I went to a baby shower today, and there were NO paleo choices available- none. So I did my best, and chose something that wouldn’t be as bad. But I still have been feeling bad. I didn’t have any bread/pasta/ or desserts, but I still am feeling bad about having a fried chicken cutlet smothered in sauce & cheese. I know that these times will eventually come up in life, and that I need to learn to deal with difficult circumstances, but I feel like I failed myself today. I was hoping to get through the whole challenge without a cheat meal. So on top of feeling sorry for myself about not having any men in my life, I cheated on myself with food. Feeling awesome right now. I know tomorrow is a new day, and this was just one time- but it’s amazing the amount of guilt a stupid piece of chicken can give you! I’ll get over it- but I just needed to share. Before I started this journey, I could care less if I ate an entire bag of doritos. Now, I can’t even imagine- I ate a chicken cutlet- what is going on?! A switch has been turned in my body. I’m so thankful that I finally am starting to get myself together.
On a more positive note- We got to have our first team WOD in the new space this weekend @ RCFBC! I love it in there! There is so much space and room to groove. There were 30 people in the 9am class I attended! Nuts! I can’t wait until we are in there permanently. Everything is so new- and smells like a new car or a new house. I love it! One of the best parts of Saturday’s WOD was at the end (surprise) when we were taking our first picture in front of the big sun on the wall. A family photo. The people in that picture (and some who weren’t there) have no idea how much they mean to me. They push me, motivate me, make me feel like I’m part of something. Once again, I can’t say enough about the feeling of togetherness you feel post CF workout. It’s one of the reasons I feel like a million bucks when I leave the box. The people inside it are the best.
I just looked at the WOD that our coach posted for tomorrow- It includes my two arch enemies- Double unders & burpees. Once again, I shouldn’t have read it- but I did, and now I’m nervous. But I’m going- & I’ll finish. I’ll probably finish dead last- but I’ll finish. So for now, I’ll go to bed & try to think about all the good things I have in my life- and hopefully the rest will fall somehow…we shall see…