Hi everyone! Hope you are all well! I’m doing okay…I think. haha.
So things in my life have not been going according to plan. At least the plan that I had mapped out in my head. Anyone who knows me, is very aware that I hate being off route- I don’t like not having a plan, and flying by the seat of my pants. So when something happens that I don’t expect, it rattles me. A lot. I know I sound like a broken record, most of the time, and this post will probably be something that you’ve read before, but it’s just stuff I need to get off of my chest- and then maybe I’ll feel a little better!
At this point in my life, I imagined myself in my own home, with a husband (or serious significant other)- maybe with a kid. Instead, I’m living at home, with no significant others in sight- like no men in sight, and a ton of debt. Basically, the complete opposite of where I thought I would be. The last few weeks have been especially trying for me (it’s wedding season), and I just have this overall feeling of failure. I’ve been trying to focus on the positive things that I’ve accomplished in life, but somehow, it’s not enough. I just always feel like I’m in life limbo- nothing is that good, but nothing is that bad either. It’s weird, and I don’t like being at this point. I can put on a face wherever I am, but no one knows what happens when I drive home from work (hint: it’s crying to John Mayer alone- ha) or when I get home (hint: it’s still crying to John Mayer in bed- alone). I try to keep my positive outlook on things, but some days, I just don’t have it. And when people call me out on it, I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t be sad about things- I have a job, a good family, my health, and friends; but it’s those other things I mentioned before that make me feel like I’m missing out.
As long as I can remember, I’ve never quite fit in anywhere. In my family, I was always the one who sort of did her own thing- the lost cause- the one with all the problems. In school, I never had a definitive set of friends, and I never fit in with one particular clique- I sort of had friends every where- which is good in some ways, but now I just feel like I didn’t try hard enough- I wasn’t a nerd, but I also wasn’t stupid- I was just average. In college, I kept to myself- I didn’t have that college experience that most people had- I did my work, went to my internships, and that’s it. I never even went to one party in college! I didn’t start really coming out my shell until I joined CrossFit. And even now, through all of my struggle, and new found confidence, I still feel like I don’t belong. I over-compensate and try to make everyone happy, and in turn, I make myself feel worse. It’s a bad cycle.
I’m there- I give my all during WODs, but most of the time I feel like I’m still so far behind where I should be at this point in my CF career. Everyone else is making great gains, and I’m here just still being average- or slightly below average. It’s frustrating. So then in turn, I self medicate with food, and it becomes a vicious cycle. I work so incredibly hard at the workouts, and then go home and eat shitty because I feel bad about myself. I will add in, I’m eating way better than I was pre-CF, but still, why am I doing this to myself? Thankfully, my amazing coach (and awesome girl-crush) Kaylee has been helping me get back on track. Food is my drug; It’s something that could kill me and also something I can’t live without. I guess I’m having a hard time finding that healthy balance. But I am working on it- it’s just going to take some time.
As most of you know, I’ve been trying online dating for a while now. The reason I decided to share all of these private things with you, is because I had a moment while online that made me lose all faith in humanity. Now, I’ll warn you, this is pretty graphic- so if you don’t want to read it- stop here. haha.
I had been talking to this guy for a while- just online- I gave him my number, but he never took the initiative to be a real man and call me. I didn’t think anything of it, I just figured it was a dumb guy being dumb. So we continued chatting online..for a long time. All of a sudden, out of no where, he asks me what my fetish was. Usually, I just block people when it gets to this point, but I decided to play along for a bit. You guys no me- my only fetish is a uniformed man- doesn’t matter what kind of uniform- hah. So then I asked him what his was, and here’s where it gets awful- He said he wanted me to pleasure him by wearing a big, black, strap on. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I just lost it. I blocked him, and deleted my account. And he wasn’t joking- just in case that’s what you’re thinking. All I could think of after that was- is that the kind of vibe I’m giving off? Someone who will do anything, just because I’m a larger lady and presumably easy? Well you know what, that’s completely wrong. I deserve the good things just like every other woman. I’m sick of scumbags, and losers, but I can’t get rid of them completely. Some of the most important people in my life would be labeled as a scumbag, in today’s society. Why can’t I get rid of them (him)? Because they (he) is one of my friends, and I care about them (him) immensely. And perhaps the most important reason is that I’m developing feelings for this “scumbag.” And I can’t because I just can’t. I’m not his type, he’s not my type, but there’s something that attracts me to this mess of a person. I feel confident that he’ll never see this, because naturally, I care more than he ever will- so he probably will never read this.
I know that it’s taking a risk, putting all of this stuff out there- I could lose one of the people in my life that I truly care about, even though it could be good for me. I’m just feeling lost. and I don’t know how to get myself back to a place where I’m that strong willed woman that I was a few months ago. I’ve been seeing a new therapist, and have been working through some of this stuff, so this was my way of bringing it into the light and stop tip-toeing around everything.
I promise, next blog post will be 100% more positive- I’m done living with this pity party attitude. Time to woman up and get it together. I’m a good person, and I deserve the best and it’s time for me to start believing that.
Thanks for letting me vent and get this off of my chest- sorry if I offended anyone with my gross online dating story, but it happened, and it definitely scarred me.
I can’t thank you guys enough for your positive reinforcement and help over the past year and a half. I’m starting to make it out my shell, and I could not do it without the help of people like you all. Thank you will never be enough! ❤