Second Guessing…

Hey everyone!

Hope you’re all doing well! I am sore. I’ve been sore for like 2 weeks. It could be that “hiking”  I’ve been doing the past two weekends, or the million back-squats we did last week, whatever the reason, it’s a good sore. Lately I’ve been struggling with second guessing my decisions, and dealing with a taste of social anxiety.

I have been thinking too much about things- crossfit, work, life in general, and getting in my own head.  Second guessing myself in regards to CrossFit has been hard for me. I’ve been cherry picking wods, and that’s not good. I read the wod ahead of time, and think to myself, “You can’t do that”  “You’re not good at that movement, you should just skip.” And then I don’t go. And I feel guilty, and mad at myself. It’s a vicious circle, and it sucks. So, from now on, I’m going even when I “can’t” do a movement, because there is always a scaling option, and me of all people should know that!!

Something really cool that I did this week was drop in to a box for a class. It was my first time not being at my home base ( besides the competition) and it was scary and intimidating and fun all at the same time. Kate, Dan, & I dropped in to CrossFit Magnitude in Pembroke, MA. Dan’s girlfriend, and our friend Jami was coaching that night. So at least there would be a familiar face. The place was nothing like Bare Cove, but I got a fairly decent workout out of it, and came away with some new knowledge of the snatch. It’s scary not being at home and not knowing what the rules are. I was way out of my element, but it was good to see how other boxes operate.

The WOD that got me this week was “Squat Elizabeth.” 21-15-9  Squat cleans & ring dips. I have yet to master the coordination it takes to complete a squat clean. I can power clean and muscle clean all day, but once you throw that squat in there, forget it. I had relatively light weight on the bar (65#) , had to scale the ring dips with the Matador, and I was riding that struggle bus. 5 reps in to the set of 21 squat cleans, I regretted the weight I chose, and regretted coming to class all together. But I tried to put it behind me and power through. Luckily, my friend Marvin was visiting from California, and dropped into my class. He probably finished in like 2 minutes 🙂 , so he had plenty of time left over, and he came over and cheered me on & tried to get me to focus on the task at hand. If it weren’t for him and the rest of the amazing people in my class, I would’ve started crying and it just would have been bad. So thanks for that, M- love ya & miss ya! XO. I ended up finishing the WOD in 16ish minutes- the longest of everyone, but at least I finished.

In addition to second guessing my training, I’m 100% regretting signing up for the O2X challenge in October. I’ve been on two hikes so far, and both of them, made me more terrified of what’s to come during the challenge. A big group of us went out to Wompatuck State Park this past Saturday, and it was really scary for me. Thank goodness for Mike L. He walked with me the whole time, while those other crazies took off running on the trails!  I’ve already made it clear that I will NOT be running anywhere in the woods (unless of course, I’m being chased, and even then it’s negotiable). I’m prone to falling on flat surfaces, so add in leaves/branches/rocks/uneven surfaces, and forget it- I’m bound to go down at some point. During the latest hike, there was a “scramble” hill. I had no idea that’s what it was called, but basically it’s just like a steep hill that you have to “scramble” to get up AKA look out for any sort of branches or roots you can grab a hold of to get up the hill. When Mike and I made it to the rest of the group, they were just busting up and down that scramble so fast. I looked at it, and thought to myself “Not today, I don’t want to get hurt.” I should know by now that Mike L and MM are not going to let me not do something, because I think I can’t do it. It was my turn, and I had butterflies. That bad kind of butterflies- not the good kind. I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself in front of this whole group of people. I ran up to the base of the hill and stopped, because I noticed  that it was a lot steeper that I thought. No effing way I was getting this body up there. But ML was on one side of me, while MM was on the other side of me. They told me where to put my hands, where to my feet, and of course I had the cheers from the Bare Cove crew below me. I can’t even bear crawl on flat ground, and now I had to figure out how to do it on an incline. I hated every minute of that- I still don’t know how I got up there, but I’m glad I did. When I got in the car, I was proud that I did it, but also nervous, because I would be seeing way more of those scrambles at a much higher incline. What am I going to do in October?

So of course I turned to my voice of reason, Elena, and she told me this: “1) We can always walk/hike instead of run 2) Some of those photos are double diamond, not single 3) We can dress very warm 4) We have a whole month to prepare and fear is helpful in motivating me to do so 5) WE ARE EXPERIENCED CROSSFITTERS.” I wrote these down, and I’m keeping them with me until October. I can do this. I have to just convince my mind that I can!

In addition to all of this, I’ve been having some social anxiety. Over the past 2-3 weeks, I’ve had plans with people & almost immediately after making those plans, I regret it, and hope the other person cancels, or something comes up, and I can’t make it. It’s strange. It’s not that I don’t like the people that I’m making plans with, I just get this overwhelming feeling of insecurity and feeling like I don’t belong. Last week I had plans with my friend Meg. She lives in Southie, and I was excited to see her apartment, and be around her neighborhood. Then the day of came, and I was looking for a way out. For no particular reason- I love her- and once I got there, I was fine. It was just the initial thought of being out in public, at my size, that made me nervous and anxious. I told my therapist about it, & he told me the only way to get over it, is to keep showing up. So that’s what I’ll do. Hopefully it works!

Sometimes I think I just need to get out of my own head & remember that if people don’t like me for who I am (no matter my size) then they can pound sand. I am a good person, with a good heart, and a fairly decent personality. Being fat or skinny will not change that. I’m thankful for all of my friends who are helping me get through this (Especially you, Kate Hutch!).

So goals for the next couple of weeks: Stop cherry picking wods; Give it my all when I’m at the box; get out of my own head; focus on the positives; and remember how far I’ve come. If I can do that, I think I’ll be okay.  🙂

Have an amazing week! -AA ❤